The Spanky Dance
by Ivory Tower
Summary: This dance is forbidden throughout all of Middle Earth! Find out what makes it so! There's a reason this dance was banned. Leave it to a hobbit to buck the system!!!


Title: The Spanky Dance  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: Tolkien owns all things good.  
  
A/N: Thanks to goobersprinkle for giving me the idea for this!  
  
  
Sam, Merry, Pippin, and Frodo were standing around a round table eating blueberry muffins and giggling. Sam took a large drink of milk, wiped his mouth, and said, "Mr. Frodo, I'm going to do it."  
  
"Sam!" gasped Frodo. "Are-are you sure?"  
  
Sam nodded solemnly. Scandalized, Pippin covered his mouth with his hands. He looked quite silly.  
  
"But, Sam, it's forbidden," insisted Merry.  
  
"I will not be repressed by this backwards society," roared Samwise. "Pippin, the music."  
  
Pippin shrugged and pressed play on the conveniently placed portable stereo. That one-hit-wonder from the eighties "The Safety Dance" began to play.  
  
"Everyone grab a muffin and join me in the Spanky Dance," yelled Sam, and he began to hop around all dancey-like.   
  
The other hobbits looked at each other, shrugged, and joined him.  
  
Twas a vigorous dance, to be sure; hopping and twirling about. This was simple enough, but the one thing that made the Spanky Dance so dirty was-oh...I can't say it! You'll just have to watch.  
  
The hobbits pranced in a semi-circle.  
  
"Spank your partner," yelled Sam, and promptly spanked Frodo, who spanked Merry, who spanked Pippin, who giggled and spanked Sam.  
  
When all proper spankings were given, each hobbit did an Elvis pose and began to dance anew. Sam danced on one foot. Frodo did many cart-wheels. Merry and Pippin did the tango. And then...  
  
"Spank your partner! That's right!"  
  
Legolas and Gimli came to investigate what was causing such a disturbance. Gimli gasped and pointed at the hobbits. Legolas picked up a blueberry muffin and looked at Gimli. Legolas began to smile, as did the dwarf.  
  
"Ah, the best things in life are often forbidden," exclaimed Gimli as he and the elf prince did the Time Warp.  
  
"Now spank yourself! Spank that ass, Mr. Frodo!"  
  
"Aaragorn! They are doing the forbidden dance of Spank! Whatever shall we do, my love?"  
  
Aaragorn eyed the plate of blueberry muffins, then looked at Arwen. The two lovers slowly began to smile...  
  
"Switch partners and spank him or her," directed Sam in a frenzied voice.  
  
Now, Aaragorn had never spanked another male before, let alone a male elf. He rather liked it, so he did it again...and then a third time. Therein lies the peril of the sultry Spanky Dance. All-too-quickly the spanking becomes addictive and takes control of the dancers' minds!  
  
Not more than fifteen minutes passed before the lot of them were stuffing themselves silly with blueberry muffins and spanking anything that moved. Most unfortunately, Gandalf decided to look for his paperback copy of "Naked Lunch". What happened next can only be described as a nightmare.  
  
Gandalf entered the room of sin. "Have any of you s-"  
  
The group of dancers rounded on the old wizard in slow motion, lecherous grins on their faces. Slowly, slowly they advanced upon Gandalf and, quivering with excitement, began a furious tirade of spanking! Oh the horror! Gandalf screamed in surprise. Never had he felt such an assault upon his buttocks! Then again, it felt kind of nice...  
  
At last, Gandalf freed himself from the spankish throng and adjusted his hat. Somehow, somewhere, Saruman had joined the little group.  
  
"You realize that this is a highly forbidden dance on pain of death," stated Gandalf gravely. The others nodded. Saruman just leered. The urge to spank had completely corrupted his mind. "Well then," said Gandalf, "Pippin. Music."  
  
Pippin stumbled over to the table and jabbed the play button while yelling, "Click!"  
  
Again, they danced. They danced and they spanked. Oh how they spanked!  
  
Arwen giggled. "My ass is positively tingling!"  
  
"And a very fine ass it is, my lady," said Gimli, and spanked the Evenstar firmly  
  
Merry danced with a smirk firmly implanted on his face. Frodo was positively exhilerated! The Spanky Dance had corrupted the little hobbits' souls!  
  
"Spank me like you mean it, man," ordered Saruman as Gandalf paddled away with his hand.  
  
Elrond walked past the ballroom. He heard music, but paid little heed to it until Aaragorn's masculine voice boomed, "Give it up, Halfling! Give it up!"  
  
Elrond's highly arched eyebrows did all sorts of amazing things when the sound of Frodo Baggins' insane giggling reached his elfish ears. His mouth pressed into a thin line and he marched over to the door. Barging into the ballroom, Elrond saw what can only be described as a very poor version of Fellini Satiricon.  
  
"You! You! Remove your foul hand from my daughter's bottom at once, Peregrin Took!" Elrond stalked over and seized Arwen's arm.  
  
"But daddy-"  
  
"Silence! That dance has not been permitted in Rivendell for over two thousand years! Gandalf, I expected better of you!"  
  
Gandalf looked highly offended. He responded by giving Elrond's ass one firm spank. Elrond was beside himself. Never had he been spanked!  
  
"Come, Arwen," he managed to say, and turned to leave.  
  
"What did it feel like?" Frodo asked Gandalf.  
  
"It was...indescribable."  
  
Well, naturally upon hearing this, everyone wanted to spank Lord Elrond's ass. Of course, Arwen declined. Spanking her own father's ass was just gross, so she settled for spanking Sam's.  
  
Slowly, over the course of that night, history was rewritten in Rivendell. That Autumn, lavish parties that centered around the erotic Spanky Dance were all the rage.  
  
~FIN~  
  
A/N: The book "Naked Lunch" belongs to author William Burroughs. Read it if you're in the mood for a warped, bleak twist on reality. 


End file.
